A wise woman once told me that if I am ever jealous, I should let it all hang out there, and admit it freely and without reservation.
Johnny, I’m jealous.
I’m jealous of every other person whom you meet.
I’m even jealous of your constant companion, that beautiful bike.
I’m jealous of every other woman in whose arms you’ve lain, and will yet lie.
I’m jealous, Johnny, because in all my days, and all my travels, I’ve never met anyone who sunk me as quick as you. One look and I was drowning.
I can’t say I love you, because all I had was one night in your exquisite company.
And yet I felt something that threatened to swallow me whole, it was so strong. I think I must have fallen in love with you, but with every fibre of my being, and for the first time, I feel inadequate.
After all, how could I possibly be enough to satisfy you, as you surely would do for me? The unbelievable sensuality of your presence, the way you made blood rush to my cheeks, when I caught how deeply I was staring – it wasn’t just your skin, Johnny, that drew me so hotly towards you.
You were so young, so old, so innocent, so knowledgeable – all at once! The places you’d been, the things you’d done and seen – my heart almost choked me, trying to climb up my throat to be closer to you, closer to all that you are, by virtue of the life you’ve led. The life you still lead…Your stories, oh if only you knew what they made me feel. What unattainable desires rose in me, longing to have been there beside you as you live this life…to be someone to you that mattered. Someone that you didn’t leave behind, as you ride on for the next town, the next adventure…I wanted to sit in that desert for days with you, waiting for help with the punctured tyre. I wanted to play with the children that waited every morning outside your tent…as I write now, I look over my shoulder compulsively, for fear someone is looking, seeing my naked soul trickling out my fingers and onto this screen.
For that is what this is: a baring of my very soul, to admit this. Ah Johnny, if only you knew…
And the funny thing is, you do.
I wish I could say more.
I wish you well, in your breathtaking life. I only wish I could share it with you…don’t forget me.